Uganda.

Just a quick blog to say - woohoo, I am going to Uganda!!

I have been planning a placement there since last July time and the university kept throwing obstacles in my way. At times I thought I would not get the placement finalised and that I would not actually get to visit Uganda this year.

Uganda is where I want to be and where my man is...it's probably one of the biggest things of my future...so I want to be there. I want to visit and step into my future. I want to see what God truly has for me.

I was relying on this placement for a chance to see if nursing in Uganda is what I want to be doing. The only chance I have to see if I can do it and enjoy it. The only chance to get some contacts. The only chance of discovering nursing in a hospital setting there before I qualify.

This week the placement got finalised and I AM GOING!!

God is good and has been good!! It has taken time, frustration and many days and hours of crying tears and angry prayers...but God has done what is good in His time. He has always remained faithful and I continue to trust Him for what is to come.

Be encouraged. x

Transformers.

I haven't blogged in ages it seems, but there isn't really anything on my heart at the moment to blog about. This week I started a new placement though. It is in a special school in Leigh-On-Sea. I wasn't looking forward to this placement at all really. I've been there a week now and it's fine but definitely not what I want to be doing. I feel it is sort of a waste of time for me to be there for four weeks, but at the end of the day I have to bare with it.

I guess this is just like life isn't it?! We have the things in our life which at times seem like a complete waste of our time, money and effort but yet we have to do them. There are things which challenge us and frustrate us, things that scare us and things that surprise us. For me, this time scared me, it is challenging me and I guess it is also surprising me somehow. I have a confidence when I am there and an understanding of my work there. I know that in this time I will learn something, even if I feel it is a waste of my time at the moment. I also know that all new things build up a confidence in me, so it can't be all bad!!

Life throws many things at us and often they are mundane and boring and often things that we do not want to be doing or see the need to be doing. This morning the assembly was about transformation (which means to change) and the teacher asked "If you could change anything about you what would it be?" My answer would have been the place I am in right now, because the place I want to be in is Uganda. I want to be doing what I know I am called to do. Transformation is good but not always necessary. I know at some point in my future I will transform my life...I will qualify as a nurse, I will move to Uganda and I will marry my love, but right now that transformation is not quite ready to be fulfilled. Right now I have to deal with the mundane life. I have to deal with my uncomfortable and challenging situations that sometimes seem a waste of my time, knowing that in the future they will be of benefit to me, knowing that they have shaped me into the person needed for when my transformation in life comes.

Stick with the mundane times that seem a waste...being confident in who they are helping you to become...being confident that they will benefit you beyond your dreams when your dreams come into fulfillment...when transformation finally comes. x

He is always good.

Well I'm not really sure what to blog about at the moment...actually, yes I do.

Okay, so lately, well, for the past few years, I feel like I have had many challenges going on. I have felt completely alone at times, completely frustrated and I have had times of complete pain and despair where I have just cried out to God for His comfort and some sort of answer. No answers came.

Occasionally I would have a day or two of feeling good again and feeling excited, but no consistency came with this time. I didn't want a happiness or excitement that didn't last. I wanted to feel real again...I wanted to be me.

Then I spent some more time in Uganda and things turned wonderful. I love Uganda and feel completely alive there, but when I return to England things go back to mundane reality and with this comes the frustration and pain...the realisation that I am not living the life I am called to live.

I realise completely what I am called to be and the life I am called to live and I realise that what I am doing right now is not this. I also realise though that my time now is preparing me for my future. It is not what I want to be doing and it is not the ULTIMATE but IT IS the best for me NOW. It is right for me. We all need to be challenged in order to grow and develop.

I have been blessed over the last month because I am now feeling alive and complete. I have been blessed because the Almighty One has answered. He has awoken from His silence and I have come through my storm of rain and hail and fog. I am in a time of sunshine and stars and seeing the light. I AM ME.

'There is a time for everything

and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build up,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.'

Ecclesiastes 3 v 1 - 8

These verses completely emphasise the different seasons to our lives...can you see that in every season there is a time of pain and then a time of joy. In every part there is something that will challenge and grow us and then something where this growth flourishes for the use of His glory.

Sometimes God remains silent. Sometimes He answers in ways we desire and imagine. Sometimes He answers in ways we do not desire or imagine. IN ALL TIMES, HE REMAINS TRUE AND GOOD.

'Be strong and let us fight bravely...the

Lord will do what is good in his sight.'

1 Chronicles 19 v 13

'...for it is God who works in you to will and to act

according to his good purpose.'

Philippians 2 v 13

Embrace the season you are in and know that in all times God does do what is best for us and it is always good...especially when we don't feel like it is good. This shows we are in a time of challenge, which shows we are growing and the harvest is about to come. x

Valentines Day.

Okay, so I am aware that in less than a week it is Valentines Day. To be honest, I haven't really been very aware of it this year, I can't even remember seeing things around town to advertise it...but I'm sure that for some of you, you are very aware of it, maybe for good reasons or maybe for not so good reasons. The whole point of this blog is to encourage those of you who aren't looking forward to it and to encourage those of you who are.

Yes, I have a wonderfully, gorgeous man, but no, we will (once again) not be together on Valentines Day. Am I down about this?! Well, not really I don't think. Partly because I haven't had much of a chance to think about it due to being busy lately, but also because I don't need a named day to express my love to my loved one. I am not saying I disagree with Valentines Day or even despise it, because I completely do not. I am just saying that we don't have to make this bigger than it needs to be. If I was able to be with my man then that would be incredible and very special, but I'm not going to get caught up on us being apart, because I will then come to despise a day that is just named by society and not the creator of our world.

Those of you who aren't looking forward to it, whether it is because you don't yet have a significant other or because you can't be with your significant other, please enjoy anyway. It is a day like any other, just with a fancy name. If you want to join in with the celebrations then show your love to the other special people in your life, but if you don't want to join in just treat it for what it is, just another day.

Those of you who are looking forward to it because of a significant other, please enjoy it and embrace the moment. Love your partner and serve them on this day...but also remember that you shouldn't need a day named by society to love your significant other and serve them. These relationships need love, special treats and giving yourself for them more than once a year and definitely more than just on "special" days. Remember what love is and try to live it out daily.

'Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,

it keeps no records of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails...'

1 Corinthians 13 v 4 -8

I encourage all of you to not forget your friends on this day. Do you remember what you felt like on this day when you didn't have someone to share it with?? Do you remember what it felt like not having someone to share your whole life with?? Do you know how hard it may be for those of your friends/family who may have no-one to celebrate this day with?? Or how about your friends who have significant others that they can't be with - could it be hard for them?? Should they be forgotten just because they have somone??

Remember EVERYONE.

Everyone is special...everyone deserves to be celebrated for who they are on this day...everyone should be loved and cherished and desired.

'A friend loves at all times...'

Proverbs 17 v 17

Isaiah 61.

'The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favour and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.'

Isaiah 61 v 1 - 3

I was challenged by this bible passage at church on Sunday. It really is what we are called to do. There are different ways to do this, such as volunteering to serve those who cannot do things for themself, for example. Whatever we are called to do as individuals, with the giftings and abilities we have, we are still all called to serve others.

What stood out to me was - 'bestow on them a crown of beauty'. This I realise, is like my mission statement for life, for the ministry I wish to be a part of. Maybe it would be good to think about your own ministry and therefore your own mission statement. Ask God and He will be more than happy to answer and show you what it is you're called to do or be. Maybe just look at what you really love doing and see how you can use this for God.

Remember though, God says '...apart from me you can do nothing...' John 15 v 5.

Special People.

'...I thank God every time I remember you...It's not at all fanciful for me to think this way about you. My prayers and hopes have deep roots in reality. You have, after all, stuck with me all the way...All along you have experienced with me the most generous help from God. He knows how much I LOVE and MISS you these days. Sometimes I think I feel as strongly about you as Christ does!'

Philippians 1 v 1-8 NIV and The Message

(emphasis added).

Say it how it is. x

Abba...Papa.

' "Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not my will, but what you will." '

The NIV. Mark 14 v 36.

' "Papa, Father, you can - can't you? - get me out of this. Take this cup away from me. But please, not what I want - what do you want?" '

The Message. Mark 14 v 36.

Recently I have seemed to be going through so much, which always seems to be frustrating and challenging rather than good. I started to read this book called 'God on Mute' by Pete Greig and it has spoken so clearly to me and has laid down some very important factors. The book is written about unanswered prayer. I guess through all of my challenges I have seen where God has not answered my pleading prayers. To some extent I now realise why. This doesn't necessarily make it easier, but it does help me make some sense of it all, which brings some comfort.

From the bible verse I have written above we can see Jesus coming before God, coming before his father in the most intimate way - he calls him Abba which is Aramaic for father - Jesus' own language. Jesus comes before his Abba and asks him to take away his pain, acknowledging that it is possible for Him to end this, but he also asks Abba to have His own way, acknowledging that maybe God's will is different to his own. Jesus knows God for who He is and knows that in all things He is the Almighty One possible of doing anything, but that He is also the Almighty One who chooses to do what is best.

In the book Pete talks about us coming before God knowing that He is possible to do what we ask but knowing at the same time that what we ask is not always the best. Pete talks about us coming before God with our pain whilst allowing God to have His own way, the way that will bring the most glory. Sometimes we have to go against our own desires in order to glorify God mightily. Wow, what a thought!! We can humble ourselves and our needs in our most vulnerable and painful times in order to expose Gods glory.

Reading this has made me change my tune about my present sufferings (which in comparison to most are not really sufferings at all). Life is not made to be easy. We must embrace life for what it is, the good and the not so good. We must be willing to sacrifice all for Gods glory. How amazing would it be to know that in our darkest moments God was being glorified in the most extraordinary way?!

Suffering is hard and God longs to hear our hurt and our anger and our pain in these times...but suffering can sometimes bring the most glory. Be released in knowing that you are honouring Him through all of this!!

Love and blessings x

Truth.

'There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear.' 1 John 4 v 18.

Emily, Soul Sista Conference Day: 'Relationships enrich your life, they don't define it.'

Grays Anatomy: 'Don't chase me unless you're ready to catch me.'

The Notebook: 'The best kind of love is the type that weakens the soul and leaves you reaching for more...it plants a fire in your heart and a peace in your mind.'

Viola De Lesseps (Shakespeare in Love): 'I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No...not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening, but love that...over-throws life. Unbiddable, ungovernable - like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture. Love - like there has never been in a play.'

Ren and Ariel (Footloose): 'I'll sing to you of silver swans, of kingdoms and carillons. I'll sing of bodies interwined, underneath an innocent sky.'

Ice Princess: 'Passion makes people go on to do exceptional things.'

One Tree Hill: 'People love a guy who rises from the ashes.'

Timo Cruz (Coach Carter): 'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve this world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.'

Bob Marley: 'The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.'

A Walk To Remember: 'Take a risk, dare to move, love is a leap of faith. When your heart says yes but the world says no, don’t let anyone stand in your way.'

Perfume advert: 'A life without passion is unforgivable.'

Helmany: 'Culture is the lens through which we see the world.'

'...Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration - what a creation! ... Your thoughts - how rare, how beautiful!' Psalm 139 v 13 - 17 The Message.

TV Programme: 'Open your heart. Be brave. Be true. You will see it in his eyes.'

C S Lewis: 'The beauty of the female is the root of joy to the female as well as to the male...to desire the enjoying of her own beauty is the obedience of Eve, and to both it is in the lover that the beloved tastes of her own delightfulness.'

'Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.' 1 John 3 v 18.

Mother Teresa: 'A joyful heart is the inevitable result of a heart burning with love.'

Amy Bloom: 'Marriage is not a ritual or an end. It is a long, intricate, intimate dance together and nothing matters more than your own sense of balance and choice of partner.'

Crazy/Beautiful: 'When it's real, when it's right, don't let anything stand in your way.'

Just Fine.

Okay, so I have another video for you guys. I put Kiss 100 on the music channels to play the other day and there was this song playing, the lyrics really stood out to me. Here are some of the lyrics:

Mary J Blige

Just Fine

'So I like what I see when I’m looking at me

When I’m walking past the mirror

Don't stress through the night, at a time in my life

Ain’t worried about if you feel it

Got my head on straight, I got my vibe right

I aint gonna let you kill it

You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh

Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh

You see I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just fine

Feels so good, when you’re doing all the things that you want to do

Get the best out of life, treat yourself to something new

Keep your head up high

In yourself, believe in you, believe in me

Having a really good time, I’m not complaining

And I’m a still wear a smile if it's raining

I got to enjoy myself regardless

I appreciate life, I’m so glad that it's fine

So I like what I see when I'm looking at me

When I’m walking past the mirror

Aint worried about you and what you gonna do

I’m a lady so I must stay classy

Got to keep it hot, keep it together

If I want to get better

See I wouldn’t change my life, my life’s just…..

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh

Just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, ooooh

See I won’t change my life, my life’s just fine

I ain't gon’ let nothing get in my way

(I ain't gon' let nobody bring me down, no, no, no)

No matter what nobody has to say

(No way, no way, no way)

I ain’t gon’ let nothing get in my way

No matter what nobody has to say.'

I just love what she has to say about life and how we shouldn't let anyone get in our way. I love that she declares that she likes what she sees when she walks past the mirror - how many of us can say that?? I love how she says we should do what we love, get the best out of life and wear a smile even when it's raining. How many of us actually smile when things aren't all fine around us?? How many of us ignore what others say and just live our own life??

I think there is a lesson, or maybe several lessons, to be learnt through this song. Things are never going to be great all the time, that is life. We are going to have challenging times and even completely horrific times. We are all going to get disappointed and ripped apart by others. We are all going to dislike ourselves...but are these all reasons for giving up on everything?? For giving up on our life which is probably actually 'just fine'??

At the moment I seem to be going through challenge after challenge, ever since I started college actually. I feel like I have just had this consistency of struggles. Sunshine seems to peek out at times but not for long. The rain comes in pretty quick and pretty heavy, but I'm not about to declare that that's it, my life isn't worth it anymore, because I know that my life is actually 'just fine'. Yes, I am also not about to say that's all my life is going to be either. I don't want a life that is 'just fine' but I'd rather it be 'just fine' than damn right awful. I know that in all my challenges and struggles I am being grown and strengthened for the next thing. I know that it is in Him that I find my strength and my trust and my life. I know that through all this He is having His will, which means my life will be much more than 'just fine'....incredible, amazing, extraordinary even.

Maybe your life isn't as you wished it would be or what you hoped it would be at this time but maybe there is a lesson to be learnt?? Maybe this is strengthening you for the next season of your life?? Maybe this time is the lesson before success??

We are all called to live incredible, amazing and extraordinary lives...we are all called to shine.

Timo Cruz

Coach Carter

'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve this world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.'

Fancy dress.

Where is our identity found?? Everybody has an identity whether they realise it or not. When we are born we have the right to be given a name, a date of birth and a place of birth, as a way of giving us some sort of identity. Even before birth we may have an identity, after all, doesn't God state that he knew us before we were even conceived?!

'....My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.' Psalm 139 v 15-16 NIV.

The reason I've put these pictures up is because I thought they mixed with the topic quite well. Sunday before Christmas we had a fancy dress party at church for all the young people, as part of our Christmas celebrations. It was really fun and nearly every person was dressed differently. It was a night of dressing as someone different to ourselves, a time when we could step into the shoes of someone with a different identity and yes, it was fun but also it was just pretend and everybody knew that. It was just for the sake of making a normal party slightly different and more entertaining.

It was for nothing more than fun but that's not true for everyone is it?! I know that everyone goes through phases of finding themselves...learning who we are and what it is we wish to do with our own lives, but this time can be confusing and hard and also full of pressure from those around us. I know that I have only truly discovered who I am since I have left school...since I have come away from the peer pressure that school brings and since I have only carried out things that I have chosen to carry out myself.

If we all look at our lives I'm sure we can see where we have once taken on a different identity to our own..maybe now, maybe in the past, but it doesn't have to be like that. I came to learn that my identity is not in the things of the world, but in the things of the world I am working towards - my identity is in God and who He says I am. When I was at school I was so caught up with trying to have the newest, most fashionable clothes and having some hot guy think the same of me that I forgot the important things. I forgot that none of these things bring consistent and complete happiness. I forgot that these things didn't have to determine who I say I am and what I think of myself. I forgot that people know no different to what the world says brings happiness but that doesn't have to be the case.

Once I remembered God's promises over my life and that I live to serve Him and no other, I became myself. I stood once again in my own identity...created for me before time even began. I guess there is a time before this period of discovering who we are when we actually live in our own identity - when we are children. Yes, we don't tend to look to the future and what we wish to achieve so much, but when we are children we are not pressurised by others so much...we are content as ourselves. We are who we are and there is no questionning. All comes down to believing God as children do, doesn't it?! Having the faith and vulnerability of a child?!

'They will sparkle in his land like jewels in a crown. How attractive and beautiful they will be!...Then how they'll shine! shimmer! glow! the young men robust, the young women lovely!' Zechariah 9 v 16-17 NIV and The Message (emphasis added).

This is our identity...we are HIS. x

Family.

Okay, so what is family exactly and should it be one of the most important things in your life?? I heard a quote once that said something like the family you come from isn't as important as the family you'll have.

For me, I completely agree with this. Over the last week or so especially, I have been recognising the need for a new family, for the family that will one day be called mine, instead of my parents.

I am home for the Christmas holidays and life is tuff at home with my parents and siblings. I love them to bits and I love spending time with them, but the time has come when I truly need to spread my wings and fly away. I have lived away from home for nearly two years now and there are times when I am truly homesick but now I realise it is not home that I long for, it is the companionship I receive from being with those that have known me from the beginning. It is the love that always lasts even when I'm in my foulest and most emotional moods. It is the familiarity of being with those that I know I can completely be myself with.

I miss people but not home itself. I miss my parents and my sisters and my brother but I don't miss my parents family. I realise, I kinda miss what I haven't yet lived...I miss, or rather, I long for, MY family...mine and Pauls family!!

Family can't come until you know yourself though, know who you are and what you are called to be. I think it's important and even crucial to have a time where you are by yourself, in order to truly find yourself and learn and develop who you are and who you are in Christ. After all, how can you find your true self and your true calling when you are caught up with another person?! Yes, this time probably means being single but why shouldn't that be embraced?! If we embrace this time, we learn to build a firm foundation for our future, for life. We become strong in who we are and what we desire and we become strong in Christ. It is then that we can embrace family, embrace life with another. The foundation is built so the family stays strong and lasts. After all, shouldn't family be forever, just as marriage is?!

Family is exciting and the family that we will one day create I believe is more important than the family we are already a part of, our parents family. Without this family that isn't called our own, where we are imparted into, where we are grown and where we learn things for the family we will one day have, we are nothing...this family is important but it's not the end!!

As the first day of 2008 comes to a close, I pray that this year people will embrace their circumstances - whether they are single or not, whether they are still living in their parents family or have already started creating their own, so they may be blessed and strengthened and encouraged. May you embrace family for what it is and everyday live for your family...to remain strong and therefore FOREVER.

Bring it on I say!! Love x

Merry Christmas.

Hey everyone.

I haven't blogged for ages, sorry!! I have been so busy lately with my essay for university. I don't know why but even though my essays only have to be 3000 words they seem to take me forever. This one needed so much background reading but thankfully it was an interesting subject, so I really enjoyed doing it.

Our essay was all about Children's Rights, how society views children and young people and also how culture affects nursing care given to children and young people. It's amazing to know what rights children actually have, there are so many of them and they are so detailed. It's great knowing though, because it gives you a greater understanding of children and also helps you to see when children and young people are not being treated as they should be.

For the scenario for my essay, which is used as a base for the essay, in order to help us relate theory to practice, I used an African baby who had been circumcised at home by an unregistered doctor. The procedure created complications, such as severe bleeding and obviously questionning about whether this procedure was a breach of child protection or not.

The thing is though, the nurses didn't understand the family and the culture they have...how it was important culturally for their baby boy to have this procedure done and how it was considered fine for this unregistered doctor to perform the procedure. What was needed was the nurses to step into the shoes and therefore culture of the parents, just to give a little perspective in order to have a little understanding, therefore understanding that this procedure was not done to harm the boy but to bring health.

Anyway, now I'm blabbing. I guess some people just aren't aware that everyone lives their life according to their personal, family culture. This culture isn't just to do with what country you come from but what your family imparts into you as you grow and develop. People need to understand and see that everywhere you look there are different cultures and ways of life.

Interesting though...especially as the question that arose was about whether or not this sort of procedure means the childs rights aren't upheld, whether done by registered professionals or not. Should this procedure be deferred until the child is old enough to make the decison himself or should the parents really be able to impart their culture into their child in this way?? How do we allow people to have their rights upheld whilst giving them the guidance and sometimes orders that they need, especially children and young people?! It's a hard topic and I know there aren't any black and white answers...we just have to remember that everyone has the right of freedom to choose their own will and way...hard but true!!

Anyway, that's about it from me, not sure why I shared this all as I'm sure you're not particularly interested in the topic of circumcision :) but I was interested!! Maybe it brings up some other questions though...

How do we bring up our children and young people rightly, giving them the best level of freedom but also discipline they need??

Are there right and wrong ways or is it just trial and error with each individual??

All I know is that we all need freedom and we all need structure and I sure can't wait to put my knowledge into practice when I have my own children :) exciting stuff!! Hard but exciting!!

Much love and Merry Christmas!!!!!!

Fire.

Okay, I have another song for you. I don't care what you think of this song, I absolutely LOVE it!! I don't know why, I just think it's wonderful.

It's this guy singing about this girl that he is into. He talks about the fact that she is not just into any guy, she is waiting for the 'one' and she is not prepared to compromise. I just love this whole scenario, how someone can just want to wait so patiently and strongly for someone they may never have met before...someone who they know they will love immensely even though they are not yet together.

How is it people can wait like that?? How can people be so sure they will meet that someone who will fill them with desire?? I don't know really, I guess this is an act of faith isn't it!? I mean, I waited for my man, maybe not as patiently and strongly as I should have, but I still waited without compromise and I believe that I and also he will be blessed because of that.

'Lots of guys have been up to her but she told them she was waiting,

For the one that God sent to fulfill her kind of craving,

A special kind of loving...

Everytime that I look into your eyes I see fire in there,
And if you look into my eyes you see desire in there...
I can't believe she's still a virgin,

Lots of guys have been up to her but there was no compromising,

She'd been strong,

She'd been keeping herself until the day of her wedding,

Under the right ceiling,

With the right person,
A person deserving of her special kind of loving.'

You might think that these lyrics are really cheesy and not so good to dance to in a club, well, I agree, but don't you think they mean something real?! People now are so driven to fulfill their desire. They just want that satisfaction and will do anything to bring it straight away. People are so into this quick fix way of life, that they aren't actually prepared to wait and fight anymore.

Someone was discussing about whether or not arranged marriages are better, I think this was due to the fact that these sort of marriages tend to last. Do you know why they last though?! Because the people in these marriages are not prepared to let their marriage sink. They are not prepared to bring a sudden quick fix ending to their troubles and challenges. These people are all about marriage and making it last, after all, shouldn't marriage be for an eternity?!

In the Bible, God often refers to us as His Bride. He is the Groom and we, the church, are the Bride. This is representing that we are bound with Him in marriage...we are bound with Him forever...that is what marriage is...marriage is forever.

' "In that day," declares the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master'...I will betroth you to me FOREVER; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness..." ' Hosea 2 v 16 - 20

Don't you want to be like the girl in the song?? The one who doesn't compromise?? Don't you want to be the man singing the song?? Waiting for this lady who has saved everything just for him??

Don't just give everything for no-one. Wait and fight for what you truly desire and what you know will bring blessings of love. Love is about fire, about desire and about lasting for an eternity.

'...do not throw your pearls to the pigs...' Matthew 7 v 6

'Praise the Lord...who satisfies your desires with good things...' Psalm 103 v 1 - 5

Take hold of the truth and let it consume you.

Have you ever been in love??

'Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness...It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.'

Neil Gaiman

What do you think of this?? True or not?? Is love really meant to be hated to some degree?? I guess we can all think of times when we have actually hated love; hated what love does to us, hated how it makes everything seem ok when it actually isn't and hated how it makes us yearn for so much more than we can have. It's exactly what Rihanna and Neyo sing about...

'...Well I hate it

You know exactly what to do

So that I can’t stay mad at you

For too long, that’s wrong

Girl, I hate it

You know exactly how to touch

So that I don’t wanna fuss and fight no more

So I despise that I adore you

And I hate how much I love you boy

I can’t stand how much I need you

But I just can't let you go

And I hate that I love you so...'

Is loving someone this much really something to be hated?? Or do you just hate the state of mind or the situation it puts you in?? How can being with someone that makes all pain cease still create pain?? How can being with someone who is top of your list be horrible?? Well it's because it does make you vulnerable; love IS vulnerable. When you love someone, you let them in and allow them into the deepest, most secretive parts of you...that's vulnerability. So if they choose to screw things up and if they choose to hurt you, then you have this wound...where they entered but then left. A wound that may take years to heal but a place that is even harder for the next person to enter.

So for me, it's all about whether or not I can be totally happy without the one person I love more than anything here with me!? Kinda weird really, coz I think I should be happy with just God but that's not really how it works...or is it?? So the question is, are we really meant to be totally happy with just God in our lives?? Or are we allowed/made to be sad without our closest people around us?? Can we still be 'down' with God at the top when our lovers/friends aren't around us??

I know that sometimes I hate love...I don't hate love, I just hate the way it makes situations seem so hard and frustrating. I hate how it makes me long for just one person every minute of everyday. I hate how it makes me long for more than I have. I hate how it doesn't satisfy all my desires. I hate how it is so incredible and the most amazing thing in the world, yet at the same time, it is the most frustrating and painful thing in the world. I hate yet love how it makes me vulnerable. I hate yet love how it opens me up to something new and different in life. I hate yet love how it brings new challenges and new feelings. I hate how it makes me experience pain yet love how it makes me experience an immense happiness and joy.

To bring this to a close, I hate how I love love.

Is it really shallow??

Wow, I haven't blogged in ages. I've been so busy and just haven't had anything much to blog about, which isn't too personal to share with the world :)

So I'm just watching Friends and Joey is talking about having a serious relationship...he says that he wants commitment etc and goes to say something about that person not necessarily being hot. However, he stops himself and says "Nah, she has to be hot." So, the question is, is looks part of love??

I know exactly what I think, but just thought I'd generally chat about the subject to maybe raise some questions for you. When I was young it was pretty much all about the looks, well, not just that, but that was one of the main things. If a guy was hot, then there was a good chance that any girl would date them if they ever had the chance to. Especially the so called 'popular guys'. Everyone knows that they'd be no good as boyfriend material, often too shallow, but yet, most girls would have shouted yes at the top of their lungs if they ever got asked out by them. So, then there is the stage where you actually start thinking about properly falling in love...the time when the next relationship could be a serious one. So, this guy may be hot or might not be. You have your list though, of what you think 'your type' is like....blonde, blue eyed, dark features, a footballer, a dancer, someone hot, someone who will treat you like a princess, whatever takes your fancy really. So the list mainly consists of physical features, I don't think there's any point denying that.

From my experience, which is very little might I just add, when you're at school, relationships tend to happen when someone starts taking an interest in you. Yeah, you might fancy them or you might not, but when someone says they like you and acts like they really do, it starts playing on your mind. You start thinking that maybe this person is worth a shot if they actually spotted you before you ever spotted them. But then is that necessarily a good reason to enter into a relationship?! I guess it's no more of a worse reason than just going out with someone because you think they're hot though is it?!

As you move on from these high school love affairs, you start thinking of who you would actually like to share your life with. Now you make a new mental list...they have to know how to have fun, they must be able to dance or sing or play an instrument, they must love children, they must be romantic, they must know how to be an equal in a relationship, they must desire to sacrifice for you etc. The list is now different to what it use to be, it's now more about the personal things, the things that are all about whether or not this person will make you truly happy. So where have all the physical aspects disappeared to from our list or have they even disappeared at all?!

Maybe we just think that as we get older these things shouldn't be part of our mental lists, that maybe we should have passed that stage of wanting someone so rediculously hot we just crave the time to look at them. Maybe society has given us the idea that when we long for someone hot it means we're shallow and nobody wants a relationship that stems from us or them being shallow do we?!

Do you know what I think though?? I think that every desire we have stems from a real, deep longing for something wonderful and true and pure. I believe that our mental lists need to consist of physical and personal aspects. After all, should we really enter into a relationship when we don't find that person attractive?! Would they really feel good about themself if we didn't find them hot, or gorgeous, or hansome, or beautiful?! How would you feel if your partner didn't love the way you looked and didn't love the way your body is?! I know that I would feel like I was at a loss somehow. I would want them to long for me as I longed for them. I would feel like I wasn't good enough, that I was not attractive. After all, if my lover doesn't find me attractive then who does?!

So, wanting your partner to be attractive is not shallow in any way, shape or form. Who doesn't want a rediculously hot partner anyway!? :P

And you know what the bible says about these sort of desires and longings...

'How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!' 1v15

'How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming!' 1v16

'How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!' 7v6

'I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me.' 7v10

You should read all of Song of Songs, it really is beautiful and incredible. It is so exciting to know that God intended us to be attracted to each other and that he created us to truly desire our partners in a very physical and intimate way. Read this amazing book and see if your view of love and your relationship with your partner/future partner changes, maybe for the better.

Step into all God has for you!!

Never alone.

I am absolutely loving this song at the moment, so just thought I would write a blog about it. Please put the song on and listen to it, see what you think and what it says to you.

I love how Celine Dion sings about being alone at the beginning and never really minding, yet now she has met this person she does not want the night to end alone...not knowing how she really coped alone before. I guess this speaks of the relationships in our lives. We live without them for so long, but when they come we can no longer live without them, whether it's our relationships with our family, with our friends, with our lover or with our God. Looking back though, I suppose we can always see where there was something missing...that longing deep inside that is never fully satisfied.

The fact is though, our friends, our family and even our lovers cannot satisfy this longing inside of us. We may think they can, or we may think that the ways of the world will satisfy, but we are still left longing for more, aren't we!? Look at your life, look at what you really want from life and ask yourself if you're satisfied and if these things will ever really satisfy?? We are all humans and we will always disappoint others and we will always be longing for that sometimes impossible satisfaction. No matter who we're in relationships with and how amazing and loving they are or they may seem, they will always disappoint us and we will always disappoint them. We expect them not to disappoint, especially our lovers, but they will. There is no way they cannot disappoint. Let me tell you this, God is the only one who can satisfy this longing!! The only one who will not disappoint us, hurt us and forget us. The only one who will not just take from the relationship...instead, the one who will give when we are not even giving ourselfs. The one who will love us and comfort us and support us even when we have forgotten and forsaken Him. The only one!!

He is the one that we now realise we cannot live without. He is the one that we needed all along. He is the one who we need to be with us at the end of the night, hating the thought of being without Him for one more moment. He is the one!!

At the end of the day, we are not alone and we will never be alone. We have many people that surround us, who God has placed around us to love us and for us to love them. People we need to get us through the day. People to strengthen, challenge and carry us. People who we can share our lives with and ultimately, our God with. But they can not give what God can give and never will.

Deuteronomy 31 v 6 - 'Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.'

Deuteronomy 31 v 8 - 'The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.'

Joshua 1 v5 - 'No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.'

Beauty.

Isn't this picture absolutely beautiful?! I have just spent some time with a special friend, having dinner and I was walking home. It took me about 40 minutes and it's not the warmest of days, yet it was wonderful. I was overwhelmed by the absolute, precise beauty of Gods creation. Autumn and Spring are so colourful and full of creativity. The trees are full of life and colour, showing once again, that God is so mighty. After all, have you ever asked yourself why nothing natural clashes?? Why the colours always work so perfectly with each other?? Why the colour themes are perfect yet they are not man made?? No-one could ever create colour like our God can. We fight day afer day for perfection, for a world that we long to have as perfect through our own eyes, yet there is nothing more that WE could ever do to reach that perfection. We can not create colour and beauty like our God can. We can not create nature that says tasteful and not tacky. We can not create beauty. It's the same with life...who can create life like God can?! God created life, He created us so that we can bring life into the world...God is the soul creator of such a beautiful thought and action.

'For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.' Romans 1 v 20

We see Gods creativity, life and beauty surrounding us, so there is no excuse for us to deny Him, to deny that He is author and creator of our very world that we live in!!

Take a look around, do you see it?! Do you see the beauty that I am talking about?! What is the reason for it then, who is the creator?!

Blessings x

Beyond Understanding.

Well, this is my first blog and I'm not so sure what to write coz I haven't blogged in ages, so I think I'll just chat, lol. Right now it's a Friday evening and I'm home alone eating chocolate buttons and listening to fab music. I've just spoken to my special someone on the phone, for the first time in ages and it was the best EVER!!!!!!! Love is fabulous <3

This week I started work with the Community Children's Nurses. It is going good so far. The team is quite small but two of the nurses are Christians which is a blessing, considering the ward I was based on I didn't know of anyone who was a Christian. Kinda scary to think that out of all the nurses on one children's ward, there are little or no Christians. ANYWAY......this week has been hard as my professional and faith perspectives have been battling against each other. I wouldn't say it's been a moral or ethical dilemma, nothing out of the ordinary even, especially when it comes to nursing, but somehow a battle for me I guess. Maybe some insight is needed please?!!?! There is one patient who is young and is dying of cancer, they are probably in their very last stages of life. The family are Christians and go to a church near my home church so they are praying for healing...a miracle for their precious, tiny, child. I too am praying for a miracle, but it hasn't happened yet. I know that sometimes God takes life from us but this is hard...a child who hasn't even had the chance to really live yet and God might be choosing to let them go...is this really fair?? From a professional nursing prespective there is nothing left to do except provide support, love and comfort, but from a Christian perspective there is so much more that could be done if God willed it. I believe and trust in God so faithfully, yet this does not seem right and it is causing some sort of torture in me. Why is this so hard to understand?? Why does God let life end for some but carry on for others (here on earth)??

I guess I am just realising that God is in fact completely beyond our understanding, so far beyond that nothing He does or says will make sense to us. His word and His character and His son and His holy spirit tell of His magnificent wonders, yet it doesn't always bring clarity and understanding, sometimes it just brings confusion...this is when we bring everything before Him though...this is when we realise that we are actually so small in comparison to the wonderful, majestic HIM. After all, without Him we can do NOTHING (John 15 v 5).