Fight For This Love.

Open this music video in a new window, it's Cheryl Coles 'Fight For This Love': http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMiy_UsrPDs

I don't know what you think of this song, but for me, the chorus definitely sings of something true, which is often forgotten by people. It sings of anything that's worth having is worth fighting for. The thing people forget is to actually fight - they think if it doesn't work then it's not meant to be. That's not true, sometimes we just have to learn to make things work - to fight for those truly important and precious things.

We was talking about love at work last week and someone was saying she doesn't agree with waiting for and having just one partner, because you have nothing to compare to. Why do we need to compare though?! At the end of the day, if people believe love is a fairytale then they are bound to fail at it. Love is wonderful, beautiful, strong but it is also very hard work. Love first comes as an emotion but then there comes a choice - do I choose to love this person everyday for the rest of my life? Or do I wait on my emotions and when they change, my actions change??

As always, there is a choice and more often than not, a sacrifice to be made. This is no different for love. Love is something to fight for and when we love someone we should learn to fight for them also. Through fighting comes pain and suffering and through this can come grief. What we must learn is to keep fighting through, believing that this will make us stronger and that the hope we cling to, will not disappoint us.

'Pain and suffering is the price we pay for loving.'

'Grief if not an illness from which we recover...we are all permanently changed by grief: some may be crippled but many emerge stronger and wiser.' Murray Parkes, Relf and Couldrick.

'And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.' Romans 5 v 2-5.

The Climb...Glory.

This week has been a hard but good week. It was 8 days ago that I found out about Pauls visa being refused for the second time and yesterday was the day planned for me to collect him from the airport. We arranged for yesterday as I had a whole week off from work so we could spend his first few days together and because I was determined for him to arrive on a glorious, September day...so he could see the beautiful summery days we have in England before winter creeps in. Did you see yesterday? It was glorious. The sky was blue, the sun shone all day, it was a truly beautiful and glorious and peaceful, September day. It was the day I had dreamed about to welcome Paul to my England. I think I was a little bit more than disappointed that he wasn't arriving, it was like someone was laughing at me saying, 'see, what a glorious day, the day you'd planned for, but now it's all thrown in your face...'

Anyway, there is no point letting that linger, as it doesn't do any good for anyone. Today I had a prayer slot at 217. I gave the hour to God to see what He would say and to bring the week together. Maybe God is speaking to me in these days of pain and disappointment, at least I hope He is.

What hit me this week is what's going on in mine and Pauls lives whilst being apart. I have work to get stuck into, I have non-Christian friends I love being with. Paul has a worship team he is leading and working with. There are these major opportunities in our lives at the moment and it got me thinking...maybe God just wants us to do a little more with these opportunities before Paul comes to England and we work on moving on together?! Maybe God has a few more things for us to learn from and give to?! Maybe, just maybe, God wants us to work with these a little longer so He gets the glory He is due...the most glory possible.

I don't know, this maybe just my head again but I can't let it go easily. We have to remember that God does have a plan and that whatever happens, it is about Him getting the glory He is due.

Listen to the song and read the lyrics:

'The Climb

Ahmir & David Sides

(Originally Miley Cyrus)

I can almost see it

That dream I'm dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

You'll never reach it

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gunna be another mountain

I'm always gunna wanna make it move

Always gunna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gunna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's on the other side

It's the climb...'

In everything, things happen that are painful and hard. Our hearts get broken and they are forever in the state of needing healing. This is not a bad or weak thing. This is all part of life, this is what it means to live. Adventures do not come without sacrifice. Through it all though, we must remember that the climb is so important - this is the part of the journey where we learn and where we grow. Through the climb is when the glory comes. The harder the climb, the larger the mountain, the more glory He gets.

What a glorious thought. x

Heartbroken.

Yesterday I got the worst news since April the 23rd. Pauls visa was refused...again.

People have told me to pray, others to rely on Gods strength and some have said that I can't keep crying...but what else is there to do?? The only thing I know to do is to cry. People have said for me to get out coz it will be good for me but when I go out all I see is what Paul doesn't. Everywhere I go I see what I cannot show Paul and I see what I am without. I don't feel like praying because I have prayed so much about this over the last year and a half. Everyday I have prayed without ceasing. Everyday I have cried out to God, sharing my heart, frustrations, desires and pain. Everyday I have allowed myself to be open before my King. I have asked for His wisdom and His words and His healing. I have put all my trust, hope and faith in Him. What else is there for me to do and say now? I said it all last time.

I keep hearing of God coming through for others. So many stories I have heard about people getting the visas they want and yet I don't see it where I really need to. What is God doing here!? What do we do or what should we do when we find ourselves falling deeper into brokenness?? It's beyond me. I have no words this time.

And so I sit here...heartbroken for the second time this year...

D-Day.

Tomorrow may well be a very important day for Paul and myself - we should be finding out if he gets his visa or not. It is hard not to worry.

'Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.' Matthew 6 v 34.

However, we MUST trust in Gods unfailing word. x

Be With You.

Be With You - Akon

'I know they wanna come and seperate us

But they can't do us nothin'

You're the one I want and I'ma continue lovin'

'Cause you're considered wifey and I'm considered husband

And I'ma always be there for you...

And no-one knows why I'm into you

'Cause you'll never know what it's like to walk in our shoes

And no-one knows the things we've been through

Can never measure up to half of what I put you through

That's why we'll break through

And I don't care what they say, I'm gunna be with you...

You're everything in my life, see the joy you bring

And ain't no-one I compare you to...'

Listen to the song (open it on youtube if the video isn't working) and read some of these lyrics. What is it saying to you?? You may not like the song, you may not even listen to R&B music but take a listen to the words and see what it's all about. I am always playing music and really think that it can display what you're feeling at a particular moment in time. I always think that music speaks of circumstances you're finding yourself in...music speaks, it's real.

This song speaks to me about circumstances I have found myself in and even find myself in at times right now. It's talking about relationships and how relationships are purely about the people in them. Others do not understand your relationship because they are not in it and they are not a part of it. Your relationship is unique to you and that means that no-one can take from it or give to it, unless you let them.

There are times when it's good to share and it's good to have people bring input into your relationship but there are also times when you need to stand alone in your relationship, up against what everyone else is saying or thinking. People are so free to say what they think but it does not mean they are right. You should not let what other people think or say hinder your relationship or change it when that is not necessary. People have stood against Paul and myself at times but like the song says, they do not know what we've been through or what it's like to be in our shoes...they do not know. So who are they to say what they are saying?! Who are they to judge?!

Our relationships are between ourselves and our God. We are Gods, we are no-one elses. Yes, friends and family around us are key and we should not reject what they say or what they advise, but we must remember that our relationships are unique and other people do not always know what is best. Only God knows.

Please don't get me wrong. Please don't think I am saying ignore the people around you. I AM NOT. All I am saying is that whatever relationship you're in is unique to you, that person and God.

'Because when you give something away, you no longer have it. When a couple shares with others what belongs to the two of them, they pay a price. The power and the mystery and, therefore, the strength of the bond come from the exclusivity. When a couple lets people too far in, when we have experienced what is theirs in some mystical way, they don't have it anymore. They gave it away...A marriage is between those two people, not us. It's not ours, it's theirs.' Sex God - Rob Bell.

Listen to God, hear Him, obey His word and step forth in that. x

Heartache.

Fear is an awful thing, but something that hinders each one of us.

How is it that when something dreadful happens, fear creeps in?? It fits into that small part of our lives which doesn't quite seem secure enough...it comes in and takes over...if we let it.

Over the past year or two I have seen heartache after heartache. In my work, in my church, in my family, in my own relationships. Heartaches that shake you up and stir something inside of you which doesn't quite settle. Heartaches that make you realise life is precious but so easily taken away. Heartaches that make you question everything, including those things and those people you have always been so certain of. Heartaches that make you question God.

I question God a lot at the moment. I question what He allows to happen. I question why He doesn't do the miracles He is so capable of. I question why He lets us go on in life with extreme pain and injustice.

The thing is, even though I question Him and I fear what my life may consist of through the years, I still cling to Him. All I know is that I cannot go on without Him because I would become nothing and my life would become meaningless (John 15 v 5).

Fear will tear you down if you allow it to. Don't let it take over your life.

Yes, question God, but do not reject Him. He is forever and will outlast anything or anyone.

Compassion.

' "How can I give you up...? How can I hand you over...?... My heart is changed within me; all my compassion is aroused. I will not carry out my fierce anger, nor will I turn and devestate... For I am God, not man - the Holy One among you. I will not come in wrath. They will follow the Lord; he will roar like a lion. When he roars, his children will come trembling from the west. They will come trembling like birds from Egypt, like doves from Assyria. I will settle them in their homes," declares the Lord.' Hosea 11 v 8 -11.

God is a fierce but compassionate God - can't you see that from this passage?? Now, sometimes it feels like He is completely against us and doesn't seem to come through for us when we need Him, but isn't that just our ideas? God does know what is best and He does fight for us through all things. He is there for us and provides for us whenever we need Him. It might feel like there are times when He isn't for us but that is just our feelings, that isn't truth.

This lesson I seem to be learning over and over again right now. In fact, I think I've been learning the same lesson for several years now and I still don't seem to take it all in. Things have happened and I have screamed at God asking Him what the hell is going on and why the hell didn't He come through for me in my situation...it felt like He was nowhere to be seen and He didn't actually do what He could have done, but this is me putting my restrictions on God and telling Him to do exactly what I want. This isn't trusting Him for who He is and believing in Him through all things. Yes, it is very hard to trust God when things seem to fall apart and when you feel like you gave your everything to Him just to have it thrown back in your face, but God DOES know best and He will ALWAYS come through for you and for me.

Honestly, this is truth...trust Him in everything, even when everything falls into crashes around you. It's the only way. x

Appreciation.

I don't really know what to blog about today but just knew I wanted to. Are you outside right now?? I am and it's glorious. This is the England I love...when the sun gets warm and shines all day...when people are out and about in the natural world...when the light continues for what seems like all night...and when people are generally happy, all because of the feeling of summer.

I love it. I love this. I love summer. I love sunshine. I love how things change just because the sun is shining. This is one of the things I miss and will continue to miss about England when I travel some place else. I will miss the summer days and evenings. I will miss the parks. I will miss the beauty that our country, England, possesses.

Do you ever think that life would be better if you lived somewhere else? Somewhere where it's shining everyday?? Somewhere which feels like summer all of the time?? Somewhere where people are different??

I use to think that. I use to think that I cannot wait to live somewhere else but over the last few years I have truly started to apppreciate England and everything it offers. Do you not see the beauty around you?? Not many places have four seasons in such extravagance. Not many places have snow and sun and blossom and green in one year. Not many places have days that last until 10pm where you can sit outside all evening and not feel cold. Not many places have trees that shed their leaves and then just a few months later blossom so beautifully. Not many places have the fresh, crispness of Autumn or the warm breeze of Spring. Not many places have parks full of green and full of colour where you can sit freely. Not many places have traditional pubs, or traditional seaside resorts. Not many places make food like we do :) Think about it...think about all the things that England offers that you can't get anywhere else...the food, the surroundings, the music, the history. Do you now see what we offer?? Do you now see the blessings that surround you at this very moment?!

Just take a moment to contemplate life here and learn to appreciate it. Learn to appreciate YOUR life and YOUR country and YOUR home. Appreciate life. See the blessings and be thankful.

I still want to live abroad at some point in my life but it's not because I can't wait to get away from England. Think before you moan about your home, your friends, your family, your country, your man, your women next time...learn to appreciate these things, these people and learn to show that appreciation.

It could change your life. x

Predictability.

'Trust His character, not His predictability.'

What does this mean? For me, it means that even when everything seems to fall apart around you, you carry on trusting God because everything about His character is good. There is nothing we can fault about God. We may question what He is letting go on in our life and to some that may be seen as a fault, that God does not always create miracles in our lives, but He is not to be faulted. He is the everlasting one, the almighty one, the great one, who is forever and who is forever for us and who is always good, always working out things for good.

This also means to me that when everything falls apart, the plan that was original was obviously not the one God wanted. It may have been the one we wanted and the one that we even predicted God to carry out, but it was in fact not His way. After all, in His word it states that 'Many are the plans in a mans heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.' Proverbs 19 v 21.

Recently, Paul and myself have experienced this. The plan fell through and it was a plan which we were certain of. A plan we were certain would work and a plan we were certain God had intended. Obviously not though and it is hard for me to say and realise that perhaps we were predicting our God and His ways, instead of just following and trusting Him every step of the way.

The next step is to trust God, to trust His character and to never predict His ways.

Let me leave you with this -

'...sorrow comes to all and each has to deal with it individually, either learning its lessons, or being crushed by its bitterness...'

I'll Be Your Lover Too.

'I'll be your man
And I'll understand
I'll do my best
To take good care of you

You'll be my Queen
I'll be your King
And I'll be your lover too
Yes I will

Derry down green
Colour of my dream
A dream that's daily coming true
Oooh and when the day is through
I will come to you and tell you of
Your many charms

And girl you look at me
With eyes that see
And we'll melt into each others eyes

You'll be my Queen
I'll be your King
And I'll be your lover too.'

What does this song say to you? Does it tell of a fairytale that never comes?? Or a fairytale that is just for some? Or even, a fairytale that is for everyone but only ever for a short time? Sometimes, I do not know what I think of fairytales...but I do believe in them. I believe that love is for everyone and love like this is only ever experienced by the mere few...but I believe that is not the way it should be. I think this tells of a love that people desire and crave for but are actually not prepared to give for. Love does not come easy and it is not something that is just given to us. Love comes at a price and is always full of sacrifice. Love is never easy and it must to be given from us to others.

I think God created a love like this for us and we need to realise this in order to hope for it and work for it. Song of Songs in the bible is a love story...between God and His people but also between people themselves...between a man and his wife. With bible verses such as, 'Take me away with you-let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers (1v4)' and 'How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful! Your eyes behind your veil are doves...(4v1)', how can we question fairytale love?? Doves are used within the bible as a symbol of peace and salvation. What does this verse mean then, when the man is saying this to his lady? That she brings peace and salvation to him perhaps??

I do not know...make what you will of these verses and this song and of my thoughts. They are not necessarily truth but these are some of the things I believe. I believe in a love that is true and that shows a man fighting for his lady. I believe in a love where the man and the lady give for one another in order to love one another and have one another. I believe in a love that does not come easily, a love that must be worked hard for...but all in all, a love that is true and right and pure. A love that can be everyone of ours...a love like seen in a fairytale.

Rest.

'Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.' The words of Jesus, Mark 6 v 31.

Do we sometimes forget what it means to take some time out to rest? Do we sometimes get caught up with the busyness life throws at us and forget what life truly is?? Do we forget to take time out for ourselves or do we just focus on ourselves in other ways?

You know what your answers are to these questions and you probably know what your answers should be. I'm not here to state what is right or wrong as people are individuals and it's different according to circumstance too, but do we prioritise rightly?

This bible verse stood out to me last week and I fell in love with it, with the simplicity but depth of it. To take time out, to go somewhere quiet, by ourselves and to simply rest...to simply be...with Him, with our creator and the only one who can truly bring us rest. Try it. x

Tears.

"Don't ever discount the wonder of your tears. They can be healing waters and a stream of joy. Sometimes they are the best words the heart can speak."

The words of 'Papa' (God), in the book The Shack.

I love these words because I see such truth in them...maybe it's just because it backs up my argument that tears are good and we should never try to shut them in, but still, I see truth in them somehow.

I tend to cry a lot, especially lately and I do not care at all. Sometimes I get told by the people closest to me to try to calm down (stop my tears). I don't mind this because they are looking out for me and they just want what is best for me and to be honest, I guess crying less would help me right now because it tends to wear me out, but I cannot help it. As the quote says, tears are the very words we don't know how to speak or the words we just can't or don't want to speak. They express something in us that nothing or no-one else can. They relieve, well, usually, some of the emotions whirling around inside of us which then helps with healing that may be needed or whatever else is needed so we can then move on.

All I know for myself is that tears will always come and they are never a sign of weakness, a sign that should be hidden. Tears are instead, an expression of what we are travelling through at that very moment - they express part of who we are, even if just for a glimmer.

Always know that someone is there to cling to through the tears you cry. It doesn't always appear that way and sometimes we would rather cry alone, but there is power in sharing your burden and your pain.

Cry those tears freely and know that with them healing can come. x

Storms.

I don't really know what to write and right now I do not seem to be writing very much. It just makes you think what you do when things don't always go the way you planned. What do we normally do? We shut ourselves away from the world, we wallow in our self pity and just focus completely on us. Why is that?! Wouldn't it be better for us to focus on the better part of life, to focus on what life could be right now if we let it???

I dislike storms very much. I hate how they make you feel. I hate how they hurt. I hate how they make you cry tears you never thought you had. I hate how they make life seem completely ugly when it is in fact completely beautiful.

However, storms are there for a purpose and believe it or not, they make you into the person you should and need to be, not only for yourself but for those who also depend on you in some way or another.

I'm watching PS I Love You and Holly goes through rubbish that most of us will never even come close to and yet what does she do?? Yes, she wallows in self pity but surely she is entitled to that, but she is changed for the better. Through all the rubbish and the hurt and the pain, she grasps hold of the moment, works through it and carries on with her dream. Her storm, in some way, makes her move into her dream.

Amazing...beautiful...incredible...graspable by all of us...

International Hospital Kampala.

This should have been put on a blog AGES ago, it is my report from my time at IHK in Uganda last year.

'I have just spent four weeks working at International Hospital Kampala (IHK), which is situated in Kisugu, just outside of the city centre of Kampala, the capital of Uganda. In one sentence, I have loved this placement and experience. In more than one sentence, these are the reasons why…

On first impressions the hospital is beautiful. It is a lovely building, within lovely grounds. Many of the walls have beautiful paintings on. You walk in and know it isn’t England, yet you don’t quite know it is Africa either.

It’s small in comparison to hospitals in England but then maybe it’s because this is a private hospital and medical/health care is considerably more expensive than at other medical/health centres.

The professional team works differently. The wards never seem to be short of nurses, which is a very rare occurrence within England. The team of doctors is considerably smaller though.

There are many variances but I’m unsure of the reason for these. I don’t know if they are due to this being Uganda and me comparing it to England, or this being a general hospital and me comparing it to my usual paediatric setting.

One reason I love Uganda is because there are no restrictions on your faith. Within the hospital it is no surprise to hear Christian music, praying, people talking of their God and to see bibles being read. One nurse told me that she often sees mums praying for their premature babies and she confidently does the same. Faith, wherever it may stem from, is openly expressed and even encouraged here – a part of holistic care that is often forgotten by many in England.

To find a fast paced Ugandan is not the norm – being inside and outside of work has shown me this. Their jobs are done in a more relaxed manner. What is the point of rushing to get somewhere when you can enjoy the journey? Why rush the job when there is company to be enjoyed? In England this attitude may be perceived as lazy but it is far from that. This is their culture, their way of life - culture is ‘the lens through which we see the world (Helmany 2000)...there is no restriction to what that lens may look like. Our culture is paramount to who we are and it differs from person to person. We have to remember this when dealing not only with our patients but our colleagues as well.

My experiences varied, dealing with a variety of patients with a variety of conditions, dealing with both English and non-English speaking patients, of all ages and even all nationalities. I experienced my first delivery and it was a beautiful thing – something more cherishable than people realise. I saw my first theatre procedures, some of which ran considerably smoothly and some that didn’t. I dealt with patients who were at times critical and patients who were extremely well. Within the short 4 weeks I experienced more than I have experienced in the past two years of my training in England.

Nurses seem to have more responsibility here than in England. Maybe this has something to do with the smaller team of doctors but either way it has effective benefits. There is no waiting around for a doctor to fit a cannula or take blood, which is often the case on the childrens wards I’ve worked on, because that is their role – part of the nurses immediate care for their patient. And what nurses do students can do. It feels like students actually become nurses in their training here. Students (and even nurses) are not restricted, so they are free to nurse and therefore are free to become nurses.

My experience was worthwhile and I loved it. It was not my first time in Uganda so I wouldn’t say culture shock really affected me, but whenever I go new things are shown to me about their country and their way of life. Uganda is a beautiful country and the people are also beautiful. I would say to everyone that they should experience Africa at some point in their life, through some sort of student placement or voluntary work – it shows you something different about life and affects you for the good. It helps you to rebalance your priorities and see what the important things in life actually are.

Nicola Godward, Student Childrens Nurse
19th May – 15th June 2008
International Hospital Kampala, Uganda, East Africa
Negotiated Nursing Placement'

That's it, hope you liked it and I hope you enjoyed the music I chose to put with it, I wanted something Ugandan but the music I really love I don't know what they are singing so thought I better not include that on here just in case :) and the video wasn't the most appropriate either.

Enjoy...a glimpse of my future. x